


Radio Edit

by NeoVenus22



Series: Hard Rock Life [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-14
Updated: 2010-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-06 06:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Stargate Atlantis band AU, following the adventures of the band Lantean.  Ronon approaches the band with a new song he's written— and it doesn't go over well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Radio Edit

Elizabeth was starting to subscribe heavily to the idea that all mornings should start with a latte almost immediately. She'd had her requisite coffee within an hour of waking up, but clearly that first thirty-seven minutes of post-sleep haze had settled in under the radar, clouding over the part of her brain that might have made any sense of what she was reading.

John, on the other hand, seemed to be doing just fine on that front, and summed it up in his own unique style, "Did you have some kind of coke-and-_Spinal Tap_ weekend?"

Rodney's frown would, on anyone else, be quite exaggerated. "Is that what you do when we have time off?" he said. "No wonder this song's so weird."

"_Spinal Tap_ the movie, Rodney," said John.

"It's not that bad," said Ronon.

Elizabeth blinked back down at the lyric sheet in her hand, which had several interesting rhymes for the female anatomy. "I don't..." she said, becoming suddenly aware of everyone's eyes on her. She knew she was usually looked upon to be group mediator slash diplomat, but this was so extreme she wondered if John had set it up as a prank. "I just don't know if this will work with Lantean's sound," she offered.

Teyla shrugged. "I like it."

"This isn't going on the record," Rodney said flatly.

"Hidden bonus track?" said Ronon.

"Not a chance in hell."

"Rodney," said John sharply. "Ronon, man, I mean, it's not a bad song, melody-wise. And the hook is great. But the lyrics..."

"We do have a young fanbase," Rodney burst in, speaking slightly faster and more shrill with every word. "Little kids who really don't need to be learning about the birds and the bees..." He flailed a little. "I have a niece who listens to us, Ronon!"

"Rodney, we appreciate the gesture, but it isn't necessary for you to act as ambassador for the tween nation," Teyla said.

John groaned. "Okay, new rule, no one ever, ever says the word 'tween' again. But she has a point, Rodney."

Rodney sank back into his chair, pouting as petulantly as his niece. "The record company's never going to go for it," he felt compelled to point out, which, if nothing else, was a good argument.

"Okay," Elizabeth said, "we're all in agreement then that the song itself is fine. More than fine," she added, sending Ronon an approving look. Salve, perhaps, on whatever wounded ego he might be sporting from the whole argument. Not that she though Ronon had ever suffered a wounded ego. "So maybe we can change the lyrics?"

"I don't really write lyrics," Ronon said, neither an apology nor an offer.

Rodney snorted. "That much is obvious."

John sighed.

Rodney had now moved on to looking completely affronted. "What do you want me to say? He rhymed cuh- I mean, _certain words_, with 'bundt' as in cake!"

"Rodney!" John said again, this time in perfect pitch and chorus with Elizabeth.

Ronon shrugged. "What? It was that or a baseball theme. I thought eating was more appropriate."

At this, Teyla let out a squeak of laughter before semi-successfully smothering a full torrent of it with her hand. Elizabeth thought it best to not react at all.

"Let's all just go back to our corners and try to think about neutral things, okay?" said John, holding up his hands.

"I think," said Teyla, her voice a little ragged and her breaths not coming smoothly, but for the most part keeping her laughter under control, "we would lose the true essence of Ronon's song if we changed the lyrics."

"Yes, Ronon Dex, a lyricist speaking for the ages," scoffed Rodney. "What, Teyla, are you sleeping with him?" Then Rodney realized the full implications of his words, sobered slightly, and asked though equally as panicked, "You're not really sleeping with him, are you?"

"Who I sleep with is none of your business, Rodney," Teyla answered, unruffled.

"Can we get back to the subject on hand?" said Elizabeth, a headache brewing hot. "We all know the record company won't let us release Ronon's song on the album."

"We could do it at shows," John suggested. The more Rodney freaked out about the situation, the calmer John seemed to be. Elizabeth knew perfectly well he was just doing it to aggravate Rodney further, but at least it was one less person being unnecessarily unreasonable. Of course, of any of them, Elizabeth agreed with Rodney the most, but he had a tendency for going about his personal crusades in the most unhelpful and annoying way possible.

For example: "Yes, I really want Lantean to go down in history with a reputation for being... for being sexual deviants." And cue the obligatory flail.

"You're overreacting, McKay," said Ronon.

"Overreacting? I'm overreacting? I'm _under_-reacting! You are barely skimming the _surface_ of my reaction!"

"Dude, chill."

"I am not going to chill! You're expecting us to perform the anthem for perversion as though we all subscribe to it!"

"When was the last time you even got laid, McKay?" said John, which probably would have gone south fast, had Rodney heard.

But it was Ronon's growl dominating the conversation. "What would you rather have me write? A seventeen-minute synth tribute to your neurotic cat?"

"Nick Rhodes is _not_ neurotic!"

"No, just his owner," John drawled, having apparently decided to go back to being petty and irritating. For some reason, nothing bothered him more than Rodney's cat and the way the keyboardist doted on it. It could have had something to do with the continued appearance of cat hairs on the tour buses, even the one Rodney wasn't riding on. Whatever the reason, any mention of Nick Rhodes usually had the effect of unrealistically pissing John off.

"John," Elizabeth chastised, because the last thing any of them needed was to get derailed into yet another in a series of spectacular arguments about certain band members' certain needy pets. The hours Elizabeth had wasted trying to mediate that nonsense...

John backed off from the impending cat argument and opted for a different tact. "You know, in a lot of ways, Rodney," he said casually, "Ronon's song is actually very much about Nick Rhodes. They're both about pus—"

"Don't even finish that," Elizabeth cut him off, a warning sharp in her voice, despite the fact that she was definitely blushing now. Teyla, for her part, seemed to have completely lost it, and was shaking with silent, uncontrollable laughter.

Oh, forget lattes; Elizabeth was beginning to think she should forgo her reputation, embrace the rock cliché, and just start coming to these group meetings very, very drunk.

* * *

In the end, the song went on the album as a hidden bonus track, instrumental, tagged to the end of track fourteen (John's surprisingly profound ode to being airborne). If nothing else, the band had been in solid agreement that Ronon's melody worked and the arrangement really allowed them to play off each other. Even Rodney grudgingly admitted there was ample room for him to keyboard to his heart's content, unlike "certain clone radio hits written by certain pompous one-name, one-note lead singers who have overinflated opinions of themselves," which naturally rubbed John/Shep the wrong way and prompted possibly the duo's finest screaming match yet, right in the middle of the recording booth. Teyla had had to bribe the sound guy to destroy the reel, lest it be leaked to Access Hollywood and ignite yet another hoopla about the band breaking up.

The sound guy balked, citing that Lantean's time in the studio didn't exactly come free. Elizabeth countered by pointing out that when it was clear Shep and Rodney weren't planning on making beautiful music together, the reel should have been shut off, anyway. She and Teyla went home that night, set the reel on fire, and drank a toast to the boys, who were endlessly clueless.

"Except for Ronon," Teyla giggled, "who gets it."

"A little _too_ well, if you ask me," answered Elizabeth.

Ronon's tune, title changed to "They'll Never Play This On The Radio", made it onto the tour set list as a lengthy jam session that segued into "City of the Lost," which they always used to close. Fans and critics alike were usually evenly split between those who loved the session and thought it showcased the true talent of the band, and those who thought it was pandering nonsense that went on too long and drew attention away from Lantean's wealth of other, "real" songs. Not that the band members paid much attention to the backlash; they were having too much fun. Teyla had a tendency to turn her mic off and sing Ronon's lyrics while she played, and no one even thought of stopping her. Crisis averted.

Until, of course, Ronon's next song.


End file.
